After the last year of a rollercoaster ride with my husband, he finally actually left me. He threatened so many times, and didn't go, but last night was it. 13 years.
I am in Sultan, WA and we just had some flooding - my house is OK because we are up on a hill, but so many roads were closed that I had to stay with my mom who is near my work for a few days due to horrific traffic conditions. While I was there, Jim (my husband) sat alone with his thoughts and decided that he no longer was "in love" with me. When I got home, I was expecting to relax and see my family, but the minute I walked in, he told me he was really leaving this time. I cried and got a little angry. He said some mean things to me about my weight and how he kept getting back together with me all those previous times because of "guilt". I asked that he leave right away if he was going to leave, but he said he wasn't going to be able to get all his stuff out until Monday night (it was Friday night). He demanded that I go back to my mom's while he gathered his belongings.
Right now I am at my mom's and I haven't stopped crying. I have a migraine and can't eat. Jim called me crying last night on my cell phone, but I did not answer. My good friend who loves Jesus said to be quiet for awhile - Jim has done this 'back and forth' thing with me for so long - and people have seen it tear me apart. It has been a horrible and abusive year for me. It is my birthday tomorrow (Sunday) and I've never felt so alone. In the front of my bible it says "For my sweetness on her birthday, I Love you, from Jim". 11-12-1995.
I am so devastated it is hard to want to go on. I have to put my house on the market on Tuesday - as I will not be able to catch up on payments by myself. I make good money, but we are too behind. I am scared to go home on Tuesday to a half-empty home. I have no children of my own, but my step son who doesn't live with us will be so sad when he finds out. I am losing everything I know. My life is upside down.
I am 35 years old tomorrow and my life is a mess. I love Jesus with all my heart, but I am not sure what he wants me to do right now. I am praying for my husband and his salvation - but I also need prayer for myself. I am not handling this well. The holidays are coming up and I know I will be an absolute mess.
No one wants me to reconcile with my husband (not that he wants to) - they have all seen him treat me so badly. I am not a saint in this marriage by any means, but I am so hurt - and have tried to keep this marriage together for so long. I know God hates divorce.
I guess I have to stay unmarried the rest of my life or else be reconciled to my husband. (According to Corinthians) It is a very lonley time for me. I want to do EXACTLY what the Lord wants me to do, but sometimes it is hard to hear Him. I guess I need prayer for my broken heart, and what the Lord would have me do.
Thanks for listening.
Cheryl
