February 24, 2010

I went to church very reluctantly. Church is important to me and I went tonight for my children. Especially my teenagers. This church has a good program for teens. Most teens are home schooled as mine. But I struggle in any church I go to. I feel cynical. Almost bitter in ways. I feel frustrated as I see so much error. At times I feel angry at what I see lacking. I do pray for God's humbling in me, though. It is a balancing act in ways. I don't think I am better than anyone at any church. I examine myself and I see that I am really just full of sorrow and frustration for the good that God wants and desires for his people and his church. There's so much darkness.

I am reminded as I weep and pray of a couple of things the Lord has told me in the past. As I prayed I said the word, 'I feel so dry. The church feels so dried up.' I remembered a vision I had a couple of years ago. In the vision I saw the ground dry up and cracked from lack of moisture. The scripture about living waters flowing from the bellies of those who receive Christ came to mind. I knew the vision was about the
'church'. When I say church, I do not mean a particular church. I mean the church as a whole. Most often I feel the Lord burdens me to pray for his people (church) that are living in America. I do feel there is a dryness.

Another word that came to mind was more hopeful. The Lord brought to my mind a dream I had a few years ago. When the Lord showed me what the dream meant, it brought some relief to me. The Lord showed me, 'The gates of hell will not prevail against my church'. And this is scripture so I cannot fear or let myself feel utterly defeated as I see the state of the 'church' as it is now. God's people will not be defeated. But they will be shaken. This is nothing new. God always does this with his people. It is his love, mercy and judgement. It is necessary. It is cleansing and purifying. It doesn't feel good but it is good.

I feel so broken and tears stream as I continue to pray. I lay it all before the Lord. Personal concerns and my concerns for the state of the American church and then the American government. I know it is my calling to pray in this way. I pray words that would go against my nature. I pray for the Lord to take his believers and shake them down. To take us all, his children, and shake away all the things that hinder and prevent us from serving him fully. I pray for difficulty, trial and a breaking within his body. I do not desire to feel such sorrow or experience pain yet I am led to pray in this way with passion and tears and fervor.

The Lord brings to mind a word he spoke to me when I first became filled with his Holy Spirit. 'Remember Ezekiel 2 & 3. Those are the words I gave to you then. These words I speak to you.' He also reminded me of Jonah and Jeremiah.

Then the Lord showed me something beautiful. It were as though I was looking into the night sky. I saw all these beautiful lights. At first, I thought they might be jewels. But I realized they were lights. The lights weren't in the sky. They were in the earth. There were so many lights. I felt the Lord say, 'This is my light in my people. I take joy in the light.' The vision was beautiful. I then began to see that these lights did represent those who believe and know and worship Christ the Lord Jesus. Their songs of worship were these beautiful wonderful lights that brought so much joy. I was thankful to see this. The Lord brought to mind his words about his church being victorious and that is His joy. This is beautiful to see. Yet I feel somewhat conflicted in this moment.

'Lord, this is what you see when you look upon us?' I asked. I sensed a hope from the Lord, an optimism and a calm in the Lord. I noticed I did not feel like one of the lights. This threw me into deeper prayer and into concern about the condition of my heart. I repented, again, of sins. They are numerous and I am so 'undone' as Abraham once said.

As I looked at the lights in the hearts of God's people I noticed I was not among them with a light. I saw I was on all fours, and at times laying flat on my face, weeping and crawling around the lights and praying for them. The Lord said to me, 'You aren't to be a light. Your work is different.' At first, this felt so unscriptural for me. I struggled with it. But it became clearer that the Lord wasn't saying I didn't have his light in my heart. It seemed my place in this time, in his church is to weep, mourn and pray.

This word is confirmed to me by many scriptures the Lord has given to me as well as many visions and words he's given me.

I am left pondering, praying, seeking, wondering and amazed. I seek to know more and understand more. end [/b]